Mental Health: My Struggles This Week

As I may have mentioned, I applied for Social Security disability benefits back in March. I have a severe mental illness and have been having trouble standing in front of windows with sheer curtains, much less going outside, because I feel exposed and my voices get worse when I feel this way.

Today I got a letter from the office saying I was denied. Now, I know this happens to the majority of people, but I am disappointed and a little depressed because of this.

As of late, I have been in a mire of depression that has made it hard if not impossible to keep up with personal care, schoolwork, and household chores. It’s been exhausting trying to keep up the things I have to do, such as wash my dishes after I use them (we don’t have a dishwasher).

So when I was denied after I had gotten my hopes up (completely my fault), it was just the cherry on top. I immediately appealed. It was my mistake to downplay what I was going through in my last application so this time around I tried to capture the severity of it in a professional yet emotionally evocative manner. I hope I succeeded.

I do not have the money for a disability lawyer’s fees yet (I know they get a part of the retribution payment and other fees, but I don’t have the money for the fees) so I am going to save up and search for disability lawyers in case I get denied again. I will keep appealing until I have the money and have decided on a lawyer at which point I will have them on my case.

I took a major hit today, but I will survive. I have to keep going, however I can. The schedule needs a break. I can’t keep it up with my depression. I am going to focus on self-care.

A conversation with my best friend told me she gets it:

BFF: You’ve gotten bad recently. That’s the struggle. It’s been debilitating more lately than ever. They look at the past and see functionality where you look to the future and see fear.

Me: You get it. I am so glad you get it.

BFF: I always get it even if I don’t necessarily understand. You might be unstable at times and confused but you deserve to be listened to and your emotions are valid. You deserve to have one thing you don’t need to worry about and they’re not understanding how much relief this could bring.

I hope this helps encourage some of you in a similar situation. My BFF has been a godsend and can say things I can’t word myself about the way I feel. I am so thankful for her.


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