My Inability To Say “No”

So, everything has gotten pretty overwhelming in my life lately. I’ve been stressed out about a paper for school (that I had to re-write in a week, as I mentioned in a previous post), my hours at work have been stressful and long, and my writing has suffered. Not to mention that high levels of stress make the voices worse, which increases my stress, a sick, twisted cycle that is very hard to break free from.

So I decided that something needed to go. And I chose my job. I felt that school was more important to focus on and that I should put more time and energy into school and writing. So, I wrote my two weeks notice today and asked to talk with my boss.

I mentioned my reasons of why I wanted to quit and I even mentioned that I am schizophrenic. It was a scary moment for me.

And then…I’m not sure what happened. I have a clear memory of the words that were exchanged, but they don’t seem to make sense. I walked in with the intention of quitting in two weeks and walked out having agreed to work three days a week and no more than 20 hours.

That is a day less and 8 hours less than my usual week. I think it’s a small difference, but I tend to want drastic changes.

But this week will be hell for me. Because I agreed to work 5 days in a row and 6 days this week because other co-workers had stuff going on and I was free to fill in. Instead of working my usual 28 hours (which was proving to be too much) I am working 34. I am going to die, you guys. This is a mentally and physically demanding job that drains me.

And I know that some of you can work 40 hours or more in retail, no problem, but I am not you. Just getting out of bed before 11 am has been hard for me this week (and I am scheduled to start at 9am three days this week). My mental illness has been taking over and making even simple things hard to do. So 34 hours after two crappy weeks is going to be really tough for me.

And my inability to say no when people need my help got me into this mess.

On the bright side, I’m not going to have to budget quite as tightly as I would’ve had to if I had quit my job in two weeks. And I also didn’t get fired after not showing up for work one day and calling in 3 hours late “sick” (basically a no-show). So there are two good things that I can count my blessings on.

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